A Birth Blog for Blokes...

Top 10 indicators your newborn baby is normal

By Lucy Perry | Published March 29, 2012

Beer + Bubs Perth presenter Kristin Beckedahl is an experienced doula and mother of two. If anyone knows what a “normal” newborn looks like, it’s her! Here’s a guide, especially for fathers, on what to look for on the day your baby is born… Fixing your eyes on your long-awaited newborn baby for the first time may bring a few surprises to a new dad. On the telly, babies come out looking rather clean, pink, and often the size of a one month old, but here’s what to really expect…

1. Your baby’s head may look misshapen and somewhat elongated (aka cone head). This is the result of the normal molding that happens as the baby navigates it way cleverly through the woman’s pelvis and birth canal. Within a day or two it naturally takes on a rounder shape on its own.  In response to one dad’s question at a Beer + Bubs session in Perth: no, you do not need to massage or hand sculpt it!  If the vacuum cup was used at the birth, expect a circular swelling and perhaps bruising of the scalp to hang around for about the same time.  You may see and feel a pulsating spot on top of the baby’s head; rest assured its not the baby’s brain. This is known the ‘soft spot’, a diamond shape area just above the hairline, where the skull bones have not yet come together. Its covered a tough membrane so can be touched and washed gently.

2. Your baby’s face may resemble that of a champion boxer being swollen or puffy.  Baby’s nose and ears may be flattened down a little too. These begin to bounce back into shape after a day or so.  If the labour was on the fast side, there may be a little facial bruising which also sorts itself out.

3. Your baby’s mouth is often very busy.  Most activity in newborns is centered around their mouth.  Lovingly resembling a circus clown, they may open and close their mouth frequently and/or turn their head from side to side. This is an attempt to find something to latch onto; preferably a breast.  They also poke their tongue in and out – this is also in readiness to take a full mouthful of breast, and amusing none the less.

4. Your baby may make sounds that resemble an animal.  The first sound I heard from my newborn baby boy was that of a little lamb; ‘baaaa, baaaa’. Some consider the all mighty cry to win first prize, but some babies come into themselves with a little more subtlety; especially those born in water.  Squeaks, gags, baas and splutters are your baby’s way of clearing the normal lung fluids up and out after the birth. Babies born via the vaginal route get a head start on this through the squeezing effect around their torso, and they finish it off usually on Mum’s chest.  If your baby is born by Caesarean, they often need a little help with this by suctioning.  A big cry does help clear those lungs a lot quicker, but every baby arrives in a different mood.

5. Your baby’s skin may be covered in a little or alot of vernix (aka the white goo). This served as a wetsuit in the womb keeping baby from becoming waterlogged.  There is no reason to wash it off as the skin naturally drinks it in over the few hours after the birth. Its the best moisturiser known to man.

6. Your baby may look cross-eyed.  This is normal and can also serve as entertainment.  At birth, your baby’s eyes and eye muscles are learning to function in response to light and movement.  They can at best see to a 30cm distance, albeit pretty out of focus.  This is the perfect distance for mum and bub to gaze longingly whilst breastfeeding and also to take in Dad’s face and voice too.  As the weeks roll on, the eye muscles get stronger and more symmetrical in their movements.

7. Your baby boy’s scrotum will look relatively large compared to the rest of him. This is the normal effects of the pregnancy hormones and won’t stay this way.  Baby girls often have slightly swollen labia and breast tissue; again this gradually settles within the first week.

8. Your baby’s hand and feet may be mottled or slightly blue. It takes a few weeks for the baby to sort its body temperature systems out, so keep those toes warm with socks and make the most of skin to skin opportunities with Mum and Dad.

9. Your baby’s legs may look bowed.  This is pure adaptation to the cramped conditions of the uterus.  As the muscled strengthen and lengthen, the legs will slowly straighten themselves out over the weeks. The feet often looked turned-in.  Again, this is normal and anything too extreme will be noticed by the midwife or paediatrician anyway.

10. Your baby may have a birthmark.  About 1 in 3 babies with have one, with twice as many girls than boys being affected. Most don’t hurt the baby, cause health problems or need any treatment. There’s a few varieties and some creative names. ‘Stork bites’ are flat, pink patches that are collections of blood vessels under the skin. They usually crop up on or around the forehead, neck, nose or eyelids. Most take about a year to fade. ‘Strawberry marks’ first appear as tiny red dots and may increase in size up until the end of the first year. Half will fade by age 5, and disappear by age 10. ‘Mongolian spots’ are blue-toned splotches on 80% of the lower backs or bums of babies with dark skin tones (such as African Americans, Asians and Indian babies). These usually disappear by age 5 too. ‘Port-wine stains’ as the name suggests are the stubborn variety. With less than 1% in popularity, these tend to be permanent but can be sorted out later in childhood.

So there you have it, 10 newborn features to look out for, which may seem unusual, but are completely normal. Happy birthing!

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Top 5 mistakes the boys make during labour and birth

By Lucy Perry | Published January 30, 2012

Just about every journo who has ever interviewed me about Beer + Bubs: childbirth education for dads at the pub or my book for the lads, Cheers to Childbirth, has asked me about the most common mistakes that men make when they support their partner through birth. Here are my top five, witnessed in the birth suites of Sydney, Australia, not in any particular order. I’m not suggesting that all men make these mistakes. These are just the common behavioural blunders that I have seen over the years.

1. Too much talky-talk.
Shuddup boys! When you are gas-bagging, you are distracting your partner’s brain from the instinctual process of birth. When you are yacking to the obstetrician or chumming up to the midwife, you are not focussing your attention on your partner. And when you are chatting between contractions, you are entertaining yourself rather than supporting your partner. So zip it. Newsflash: birth can be quite boring so go prepared to be bored to snores for many hours.

2. Underestimating the bloke’s role in the birth process
I don’t buy the “helpless onlooker” defence. The father-to-be has a critical role in childbirth. He has the power to make birth easier and faster. He also has the power, should he do all the wrong things in supporting his partner, to make the birth slower, harder and more painful. Boys, your role is critical.

3. Causing biffo with the midwife
Testosterone is a wonderful hormone but sometimes it makes men go mad. They turn into cave men and express their frustrations with anger and (gasp) violence. Men experience a surge in the big T when their partner is in labour and can sometimes come out swinging if they feel threatened. There is a big difference between being an advocate for your partner and being a butt head to your caregivers. Communication is the key to a good relationship with your caregivers and this should be the goal of a good support person. Keep the midwife onside.

4. Treating the birth suite like a circus tent
The boys are sometimes SO THRILLED that the baby is born and all is well that they invite their entire family to pop in and say hi. Or give the room number and visiting hours to all 250+ Facebook friends. BIG MSTAKE. A woman who has just had a baby is in no mood to entertain. She needs to establish breastfeeding which is no fun with an audience. A newborn baby needs skin-to-skin contact with mum or dad, not to be passed around the room like a football, confusing baby’s bonding process. Defend that space and save the onslaught of visitors for home.

5. Failing to reorder  life’s priorities
This is a BIGGY. I had a dad at one of my Beer + Bubs sessions in Sydney put up his hand and say “I’ll need to do some work while my wife is giving birth. Where is the best place to do that?” Whaaaaat? I said, who are you? The head of the Australian Stock Exchange? Turned out he was a suburban accountant. Ahem. The birth suite is no place for your workload. Work will wait. You will never get that time back with your partner and baby ever again. After the birth, life requires a reordering of priorities as well and dads should take as much paternity leave as they possibly can when a baby is born. This is your family now.

For more info on how men can engage in birth in the best way possible visit the Beer + Bubs website or order a copy of Cheers to Childbirth (also available from iTunes).

—

Pictured below, the author gives her husband Bruce a big smooch after the birth of their third baby, during which he commited none of the above birth boo boos.

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Becoming Dad to Charlie by guest blogger, Darren Mattock

By Lucy Perry | Published January 2, 2012

Darren Mattock is the former CEO of the Fatherhood Project, an organisation that runs courses for men as they prepare for their role as fathers. Here he shares his personal story of how he made the transition from fatherhood idealist to the real deal of dads – a journey with his wife Lucy Sporne and son Charlie.

I made the conscious decision that I wanted to be a Dad when I was in my early teens. I dreamt, wondered and questioned the kind of dad that I wanted to be many times in my life, well before I finally became a dad to Charlie (at age 33). But nothing prepared me for the experience of holding my son for the very first time. It was one of the fullest moments that I have ever lived. What I realise now is that it was also the final step – the last frontier – onto my path of fatherhood.

For some reason I assumed that I was going to have a daughter. In hindsight, there was something safe in that vision: a reflection of myself that I would never have to see or examine. So, as I cradled my son in my arms and laid him against my chest (feel my hairy chest and smell my hairy armpits, Son!), I felt the gravity of generations on my shoulders. My dad was an only child. I was the eldest child and my dad’s first son. It seemed having a son as your first was a family rite of passage that I now found myself accepting. Time froze. Memories, love, happiness, pain, hope and wonder surged through me in an ecstatic instant. In that moment, I relived my relationship with my dad and intimately observed the relationship my dad had with my Pop. When time had started moving again in seconds and minutes, I realised that I made some more profound conscious decisions: to be the best dad I could possibly be to Charlie, to do it differently than my fathers before me and to love him with all of my heart. It was an awesome and powerful moment of bonding and fusing with Charlie, one that I’ll never forget.

What did ‘being the best Dad to Charlie’ look like in the reality of day-to-day life, marriage and parenthood? I had more questions than answers. I had never had a man in my life that role-modelled the kind of dad that I wanted to be. All I had was my visions, hopes and aspirations. But I knew (even before Charlie was born) that I both wanted to and needed to be around to find my own answers and to make my own discoveries; that I needed to learn from him, that I needed to step in as a man and as a dad, and that I needed to be present and available.

So I did the only practical thing within my power to do: create the space to be the dad that I wanted to be. I didn’t work for a few weeks after he was born. I was just there. All day. All night. With Lucy (Charlie’s Mum, my partner). For Lucy. With Charlie. For Charlie. I decided that I would only work part-time and share the joys and challenges of raising Charlie. Our days and nights began to fill themselves with play times, walks, baths, restless nights, sleeps, feeding and nappy changing – the stuff of babies. And the more we shared of that, the more I came to love this demanding little cracker of ours.

It wasn’t all peaches and cream. When Charlie was six months old, Lucy and I became a statistic; we separated in the first year of our new child’s life. I was devastated for us and what it meant for Charlie and for my hopes as a dad. But I wasn’t prepared to give up on our relationship or Charlie. We lived apart for seven months. I saw Charlie every day. I worked a 35 hour week, kept my own home going – somehow! – and made space in my day for Charlie every single day – somehow! Of course I had moments of sinking. But I knew that I could only let myself sink so far and for so long. At the very least, I had to keep being a dad to Charlie. That was my priority, my commitment, my promise – to me and to Charlie.

I’m so grateful that I’d spent so much time with him in the early days and months. We didn’t just survive this time in our relationship; we continued to grow closer together and our bond became stronger.  I felt capable and confident to be with him anywhere, doing anything. I knew him. I knew his noises, faces, words, expressions, songs, laughs, cries, howls, chuckles and even his silences. I knew how to be with him. He knew that he was safe and loved. He knew that when it was time to be with Dadda, he would be nurtured as well as entertained, fed, changed and rested. Charlie’s first word was “Dad”. I felt empowered. I was being the best dad to Charlie.

When I moved back into our family home, we celebrated that we would again begin and end days together and share more of the precious little moments of life that filled these days. There’s a saying that ‘Kids spell love T-I-M-E.’ Of course, that’s oversimplifying parent-child love, but I can’t help but feel that there’s some truth in this for me. Creating space for Charlie and to be an active and engaged dad was the best parenting decision I have ever made.

I didn’t do this alone. I’m incredibly grateful to Lucy for actively supporting and encouraging me to have the relationship I do with Charlie; she gets how special and important our time is together and what it gives to both of us. We are a team and I am an equal on our team. That means equal responsibility, but equal rewards. The best thing has been that by focusing on playing an active role as a dad, I also supported to Lucy to be his mum and shared the load. Yes fellas, women do find men doing housework sexy!

That’s my story, not my doctrine on how to best the dad. I’ve been fortunate enough to be a part of groups of expectant dads preparing for the journey of fatherhood. As a facilitator, I like to get them talking about and thinking about what’s going to work best for them and their family. What space do they want to create to be a dad? What space can they create to be a dad? What role do you want to play? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your child? What does that look like? Before baby comes is a great time to share with your partner the hopes, dreams and expectations of fatherhood and to prepare for the adventure (and the challenges!) ahead.

Cheers to your child’s birth!
Darren
January 2012

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Bonding with baby: a guide for the boys

By Lucy Perry | Published November 30, 2011

At Beer + Bubs we bang on a lot about how important bonding is for newborn babies. Here, Carrina Bradbury, our Beer + Bubs Bunbury presenter, goes into more detail about exactly HOW dads can bond with their bubs.

There is nothing more beautiful to a mum than the sight of her partner and baby happily bonding (other than her partner doing the vacuuming).  Bonding and attachment is a fundamental part of the new relationship between baby and parent, which is innate in all of us.  While for some it begins as a rush of profound love at the sight of your new bub (Hollywood style), for others it takes more time for this to bloom.  There is much talk about ways that new mothers can and should bond with a new baby, but this process is just as important for dads.  So just as Beer+Bubs provides an arsenal of sensory pain management techniques, below is another one… ways to bond with your baby through the senses.

SIGHT
While babies may not be able to clearly see in the early days, they do well to combine sight and sound to recognise their parents.  Spend time close to your baby, gazing into her eyes.  It is perfectly okay in the early months to spent time just staring at your little one – this is not time wasted, but time cherished. If your baby does tend to be unsettled during the waking hours, it can be hard to find the space to simply watch them.  So steal a moment or three when she is sleeping, just to soak up the beauty that is your creation.

SOUND
Sing, talk, goo, and gaa; and listen attentively as he does the same back to you.  Men don’t look silly playing with their babies… but I can tell you they look stupid when they don’t!  The more you talk to your baby the more he will listen for your voice and be thrilled when he hears it.  Sing to him – fun songs at play time, and quiet songs at bedtime… don’t worry about your voice or the perfect tune, from a baby’s perspective nothing sounds better than the sound of his parents voice.

TASTE
So you can’t feed a breastfed baby, but as a dad you can still support this process by keeping mum hydrated and fed.  When she is feeding bub prepare her a drink or a snack; or leave some cut up fruit in the fridge for her to grab when needed.  This can help you to feel helpful, your partner to feel supported, and your baby to receive quality milk from a well nourished mum.

If your baby has a bottle find a time of the day that works for you and your partner, for you to take responsibility for feeds.  I always found that if my partner covered 5am-8am with formula or expressed breast milk, I started each day with 3-4 hours of solid sleep. It amazing the difference that that can make both to mood, general health and milk production.

TOUCH
Skin-to-skin contact is so important for your baby that in the moments after birth, it should not be interrupted unless there is an emergency. After the birth, skin-to-skin contact is still critical to bonding and is just as important for dad, as it is for mum.

Spend time each day with your baby that is not obstructed by a shirt or a blanket.  A perfect way to do this is to take responsibility for daily baths or showers.  Make this your special time with your baby, where you can cuddle, talk, sing and bond!  Meanwhile mum can cook dinner, or sit peacefully on the couch.

You can also massage baby each day – a small task considering their little bodies.  This is relaxing for bub (and often for dad too); and helps with all aspects of dad-baby bonding.

How dads can bond with their babies

Skin-to-skin contact is vital in the first hours after birth but is also important to babies in the months and years after that.

SMELL
Sounds odd, but the smell of a newborn baby is beautiful and every day that passes a little more of that smell disappears. So soak it up while you can.  Your baby will love your smell too (be it your natural manly scent or a combination of deodorants and washing powder); the more time she spends smelling you, the more your ‘smell’ will become a comfort to her.

So over all get involved, be an active father who shared in the joy of raising a baby from the very beginning.  Bonding is process whereby the more you put in the easier it is.  If in doubt think about your sense and start from there.  Happy Bonding!!

Carrina Bradbury is a doula, childbirth educator and family therapist.
Beer + Bubs Bunbury

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Post natal depression: a dad’s guide

By Lucy Perry | Published November 4, 2011

The Mental Health Association of NSW is behind Postnatal Awareness Week 13-19 November with a snappy post card campaign hitting the mailboxes of birth workers recently. The headline is EVERY SUPERMUM NEEDS A SIDEKICK. The “sidekick” they have in mind is a GP, midwife or child and family health nurse. These are such important resources to new parents but a new mum’s most important sidekick is really HER PARTNER. Here are some tips specifically for new dads on how to handle the first signs of postnatal depression and the roller coaster of those first few weeks and months:

Know the difference between the baby blues and postnatal depression.

On about day three after the birth, about 80% of women experience an unexplained tearfulness, often referred to as the “baby blues”. This is just the hormonal adjustment to breastfeeding and no longer being pregnant and it’s OK for her to cry and be a sorry-sack for a day or two. Don’t try to be a bloke and solve her problems. Just let her be sad and tell her you love her. Tell her she’s the most gorgeous woman on the planet and that she’s even more beautiful with your baby in her arms. Give her a cuddle.

Take the next step if your partner’s sadness, after giving birth, continues for more than a few days

If your partner’s sadness goes on for more than a few days, that’s when you need to go and see your GP together to make sure she’s not suffering from postnatal depression (PND). According to Beyond Blue, PND affects almost 16% of new mothers. There are a number of factors that can contribute to the onset of PND including a past history of depression, a stressful pregnancy, prolonged labour or difficult birth, lack of practical, financial or emotional support (all that support comes from you, sunshine), difficulties with breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and having unrealistic expectations of motherhood.

Women who suffer from PND need to see a doctor and consider psychological treatment and/or medication to manage what is a treatable condition, but can sometimes be a serious issue for you and your family. Don’t brush this off as something that might just pass or that might be considered a weakness. You need to take your partner to see your GP.

Make sure that your partner is well supported in these first days, weeks and months after your baby is born and take time to nurture your relationship. A new mother is less likely to suffer from PND if she feels well supported by her partner. Help her find time to do things she enjoys other than caring for your new baby and spend time listening to your partner without feeling the need to solve all her problems and offer solutions. Don’t take your partner’s moodiness or irritability personally. It’s not about you.

Help her get some exercise

Some exercise will certainly help your partner with her mood and the easiest solution for fitting exercise into your life is to put your baby in the pram and go for walks with your partner. Start with a 30-minute walk a few times a week and then build up to a 45-minute walk every day. Your energy levels will increase and so will your partner’s self esteem. Most babies love a walk in the pram too and it gives you time to talk to each other.

Steady on in the booze department

Does this need further discussion? You’re a new dad, you have new and demanding responsibilities. If you are a regular drinker, lay off the booze for a while so that you can be emotionally available and practically useful to your partner rather than parked in front of the box with a beer in each hand. It’s not permanent and you will survive. You may even notice some sudden health benefits!

Look after yourself too

Sleep deprivation can be really tough on both of you in those first weeks. Make sure that you and your partner are each getting a total of 8 hours sleep every 24 hours. This might be four sleeps of two hours at a time, but aim for a total of eight hours in a day. You’ll soon get used to napping whenever you can. In our house, sleep became currency. “I’ll clean the entire house if you let me sleep for two hours,” was a typical bargain when our kids were newborns.

Between three and ten percent of new fathers suffer from postnatal depression. According to the Raising Children Network: “Depression in new fathers has been found to begin before the birth of their child, with minimal recovery by the end of the first year. There’s also evidence to suggest that mens’ depression increases between six weeks and six months after childbirth. For example, one study found that three out of 10 men were depressed at six weeks, and that their depression got worse during the next six months. There is also growing evidence that anxiety might be a problem for some men during the antenatal and postnatal period.” Click here for the full article.

Men are notorious for not seeking medical help when they need it and PND is often thought of as something that only women suffer from. So stop with the Superman Act and get yourself off to your GP for an assessment if you feel persistently unhappy in the weeks and months after your baby is born. You are not equipped to support your partner if you are suffering from PND yourself.

Eat properly. Real food.

Remember: this life stage is not permanent but PND can be serious

You may feel neglected during this stage in your life but it’s not permanent. Don’t assume there is something wrong with your relationship and don’t hold it against you partner that she is so focussed on your newborn baby. She’s hormonally programmed to do what she’s doing. When I interviewed Dr Charlie Teo, a well-known Australian neurosurgeon, about his experiences when his babies were born, he emphasised how hard he found that stage after his first daughter was born. For about six months, he says he received no attention whatsoever from his partner. He was sad and lonely and wished someone had told him that this stage was not permanent, that his wife would notice him again and that their sex life would kick off again (they went on to have three more daughters so it clearly did kick off again).

Most importantly, remember that YOU are your partner’s sidekick, her most important support and her beloved partner. Take PND seriously, have it treated professionally and stay by your partner’s side as you navigate these early weeks, months and years.

–

Lucy Perry is the author of Cheers to Childbirth: A dad’s guide to childbirth support (Pure Publishing 2010) available at www.cheerstochildbirth.com.au

For further resources on post natal depression and mental health see these websites and call centres
Mental Health Line 1800 011 511
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
www.justspeakup.com.au
PANDA 1300 726 306
www.mentalhealth.asn.au

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How to get a woman in labour to hospital…when you don’t have a car

By Lucy Perry | Published April 14, 2011

At my last Beer + Bubs session in Sydney, I was asked a question I have never been asked before. An expectant dad named Jeremy was wondering how best to transport his labouring partner to hospital on the big day when he doesn’t have a car. Another guy in the same group put his hand up to admit to being in the same predicament. Getting a labouring woman from home to hospital safely and comfortably is one of the most important jobs a supportive partner can do but it’s a bit trickier if you don’t have your own wheels.

Here are your options:

Call a cab: we asked Legion Taxis if there would be a problem transporting a labouring woman to hospital and the operator was unsure. She said that cab drivers are not ambulance officers. Hmmm, we’re aware of that. But she went on to say that they could decline the fare if they thought it was an emergency. One of the men who is facing this problem said this: “I did a practice last night at one in the morning. I walked to the nearest taxi stand (which took 5 minutes) and asked the first cab in the rank if he could take me home and pick up my pregnant wife and go to hospital. He was OK with it, and if not I guess one of the other ten taxis in the rank would be. I also called Taxis Combined and Silver Service and the operator said it was OK. But I don’t think I could trust booking a taxi and waiting for it to turn up.”

Call an ambulance: we asked an ambo officer what the story was here and she confirmed that ambulances are often called to pick up women in labour. However, birth has to be imminent for them to transfer her to hospital. If she’s in early labour, they will not take her to hospital. Amulances are not a transport service (unless you have a valid pension card).

Hire a car: this one is tricky when you’re unsure exactly when your baby will be born but most large car rental companies will be able to supply a vehicle if you walk in off the street – it just might be a people mover.

Car share: There are pay by the hour car share services such as Goget in Sydney, Adelaide, Melbourne and Brisbane. You can book a car on the automated phone service or book online at www.goget.com.au. Beware, if the car is booked by someone else for the following day and you’re still hard at work in hospital with your partner, you will be fined.

Ask a friend or neighbour to be on call: people are usually thrilled to be asked to help out in some way on the day a baby is born. Just make sure that this person is available 24/7 because you may need to haul them out of bed at 4am.

Consider a home birth: no need to travel anywhere and your midwife comes to you!

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Should men attend the birth of their baby? Not if they would rather be at the dentist.

By Lucy Perry | Published March 23, 2011

“What used to be the secret business of the women’s circle is now the expectant father’s job description.” Lucy Perry, Cheers to Childbirth: a dad’s guide to childbirth support, Pure Publishing 2010.

Unlike their fathers, men in the twenty-first century are encouraged to be present at the births of their babies. In fact, it’s a social expectation that they attend the birth, support their partner in her every need and know what those needs might be. It takes a brave BRAVE man to admit that he doesn’t want to be at the birth. But should he be let off the hook if he’d rather be somewhere else? I don’t mean the kind of cop out where he’d rather be fishing, but the kind desperate desire to be anywhere, even the dentist, rather than at the business end of the birth of his own child.

There is a small number of men who are absolutely terrified at the thought of being present when their partner is in labour. Their mates probably have a lot to answer for, making childbirth sound like a day in the trenches of warfare. Or they just may not feel equipped to support their partner through such a foreign experience in such an unfamiliar environment as a hospital. Perhaps there are mental illness issues that prevent a man from being emotionally available to his partner at this time. I’m not suggesting that all men who don’t want to attend the birth of their baby are mentally ill, I’m just considering various reasons that may prevent men from wanting to participate.

If an expectant father is very anxious about the birth, he’s better of being somewhere else, says Associate Professor of Midwivery and President of the Australian College of Midwives, Hannah Dahlen. “If a man is forced to be with his partner in labour, his fear can impact on the woman’s experience and can effectively alter the course of the birth in a negative way.”

“We need a get-out clause for men,” says Hannah. “They shouldn’t be forced to be involved in childbirth if they don’t want to be. Most men are keen to be involved, but men are doers and women are talkers, thinkers and feelers. Birth is an incredibly instinctive process and men need to allow this process to unfold without trying to fix anything.”

Well-known french author and surgeon Dr Michel Odent goes one step further and says that fathers shouldn’t have a role in childbirth even if they want to support their partner. He says that men interfere with the natural chemistry of birth, they fuss about and talk too much and they allow their own fears to rub off on their partner.

He’s absolutely right in a way: if a bloke is distracted from the task at hand, if he’s making phone calls and checking his emails, talking too much and not paying his full attention to the labouring woman, he will interfere with the natural hormones that drive the labour and numb the pain. Those men, should stay at home and assemble the cot. However, if an expectant father knows what he is doing, he can play a critical role in the birth and be more important than any medical team. A man can support his partner in a way that no midwife, doula or doctor can.

This is where Dr O and I disagree. He thinks all men should stay away from the world of birth. I think all the men who genuinely fear the birth should make themselves scarce and those who don’t know what they’re doing and don’t bother to prepare for their role should find someone else to support their partner such as an experienced doula.

Those who want to have an active role in the birth of their baby should prepare themselves for the challenge on a practical level. Men should know what to expect from the birth process and the hospital environment (or home if that’s where they will be birthing) and they should feel empowered to protect and adore their partner through the challenge.

How can men prepare themselves for what has been secret women’s business since the beginning of time?

For a start, they should attend Beer + Bubs: childbirth education for men at the pub. These classes are run in all major cities, specifically for expectant fathers, in their natural habitat: the local pub. The session focusses on the support person’s role and allows men the opportunity to meet other men in the same boat and to ask questions that he might be nervous to ask in front of his partner.

Blokes should also read Cheers to Childbirth: a dad’s guide to childbirth support which includes chapters called Life after Birth and Breastfeeding for Blokes, together with birth stories from some high profile Australian fathers.

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Top tips for first time fathers: those first few weeks with your newborn

By Lucy Perry | Published March 15, 2011

“Anyone who tells you that the first weeks of their baby’s life were a walk in the park was either residing in another country to said newborn or seriously embellishing the truth. It’s exhausting but it’s not permanent.” Lucy Perry, Cheers to Childbirth: A Dad’s Guide to Childbirth Support, Pure Publishing, 2010.

fatherhood, newborns

New dads need to get their act together for life with a newborn

I’m sometimes asked what men need to do to support their partner during pregnancy but to be honest, it’s during the birth and the weeks and months just after the baby is born when a man’s support is most needed. Beer + Bubs: childbirth education for dads at the pub focuses on a man’s role during the birth with life after birth covered briefly. Here are some tips which are featured in more detail in Cheers to Childbirth: a dad’s guide to childbirth support, which is available at all good bookstores and online.

TIPS FOR NEW FATHERS

  • Your partner needs you more now than ever before. Arrange for the maximum time off work to look after her and your baby. Two weeks doesn’t cut it. Six weeks off work is more like it.
  • Get your act together for the day you bring your partner and baby home. Have the house ship-shape with a freezer full of dinners ready to go.
  • Arrange for extra help around the house if you can and accept genuine help when it is offered. Consider a post-natal doula to help around the house and also with settling and breastfeeding problems. Visit www.findadoula.com.au to find a post natal doula in your area.
  • In-laws coming to stay from overseas? BAD IDEA. You and your partner need to lavish attention on your baby and each other, not a couple of well-meaning tourists. Have them wait for their big Australian adventure until your baby is at least 6 months old. Boundaries can be tough to put in place but a new father needs to fend for his new family and keep extended family under control. Man up.
  • It’s not cool to be a klutz with your baby and parenting is not a spectator sport so get involved from day one. You are not “babysitting” when it is your child and a new baby is not your partner’s job alone.
  • Manage visitors to the house with your partner and baby’s needs for rest in mind. One visitor in the morning and one in the afternoon, and a day off with no visitors, is more than enough.
  • Make nappy changes your job. Forever. It’s a perfect opportunity for more one-on-one dad time.
  • Keep an eye out for the baby-blues, which hit about 80% of women on the third day after giving birth. Don’t be a bloke and try to solve her problems, just let her be sad and tell her you adore her. If her sadness lasts more than a few days, take her to see your GP to make sure she’s not suffering from Post Natal Depression. Visit beyondblue.com.au for more details on the signs and symptoms of PND.
  • Sleep deprivation is really tough, especially in the first six weeks. Aim for 8 hours sleep in every 24 hours for both your partner and yourself.
  • Avoid caffeine, sugar and junk food – none of them will sustain you or your partner for very long.
  • Help your partner stay well-hydrated to support successful breastfeeding. If she has breastfeeding problems, get professional help quick smart. Don’t wait for things to improve, get straight on the phone to the Australian Breastfeeding Association on 1800 686 268.
  • Don’t expect your sex life to kick off within the first weeks after the birth of your baby. If it does, lucky you. A three to six month dry spell (or longer) is more like it. I’m often asked about post-baby sex at Beer + Bubs: childbirth education for dads at the pub. At a recent session, one of the expectant fathers there said that he’s been told by mate that watching your partner give birth was like watching your favourite pub burn down! That made us all laugh, but I said “No! It’s like watching your favourite pub be renovated!” Your sex life will be different but with effort, it could be even BETTER. Think quality rather than quantity. A number of the men I interviewed when writing Cheers to Childbirth, said that their sex life felt different but better after babies. Don’t put pressure on your partner for sex – she’s running a whole new set of hormones during those weeks and she’ll be very tired. Doing all the housework might work as effective foreplay though…
  • Your social life will have to take a back seat for a few months. You’ll live. Invest your time and energy in your family – time with your new baby that you will never get back.

The tips above are specifically for men. Below are some tips for women on how to prepare their partner for those months after the birth.

TIPS FOR MOTHERS TO PREPARE NEW DADS FOR THE NEWBORN ROLLERCOASTER

  • Men are really in for a shock when their partner has a baby. They are no longer the centre of the universe and all attention and affection is redirected to the new family member. Soften the blow by giving your partner some conscious attention during the newborn stage.
  • Men don’t understand women’s hormones at the best of times so unless he’s an endocrinologist, don’t expect your partner to understand what a full-on hormonal roller coaster you are on in those first postnatal weeks. Men are terrible mind readers. JUST TELL HIM what you are going through. EXPLAIN what you need from him. Don’t expect the poor bugger to guess.
  • My mantra for a happy marriage is: “You get what you settle for”, so don’t settle for your partner taking only a week off work after the baby is born and spending three of those nights out with his mates. Don’t settle for your partner planning a fishing trip two weeks after your due date. Lay down the ground rules before the baby is born.
  • And here are the ground rules that he needs to know:
    • You need him to take as much time off work as possible
    • You need him to allow you to live in a mothering cocoon for at least a month so you can lavish attention on your newborn and establish breastfeeding, which means he’s responsible for everything else: housework, washing, cooking, grocery shopping.
    • You’ll need him to beat a path between home and the chemist for anything you need, such as nipple cream, maternity pads, breast pads, breast pumps, bottles and sterilising equipment. The hardware is his gig.
    • You need to tell him that you need his unconditional love, which includes those extra 15 kilos you put on.
    • Your mother is not a substitute for a good father. Tell him that HE needs to be there for you and for your baby.

All the best for a wonderful birth and a magic time with your newborn. It’s time you will never forget!

Lucy Perry
Author, Cheers to Childbirth: a dad’s guide to childbirth support. Pure Publishing 2010
Founder, Beer + Bubs: childbirth education for dads at the pub. www.beerandbubs.com.au

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